Funemployment

I literally have a couple of days until I become unemployed. Or, as my brother calls it, funemployed.

While I am excited for the next chapter to start, this week has really reminded me of all the great friends I’ve made at work, and I am definitely going to miss seeing a lot of people. It makes me sad that I will lose that. The nervousness has also settled into my stomach about taking such a big risk, and combining that with the other thing makes for a hot mess of abstract vomit all over my Chakras.

So I thought to myself, I better make a list of all the things I want to accomplish in February 2016.

  1. Sew all the fabric!
  2. Get Instagram savvy and build a cult following.
  3. Setup an online shop.
  4. Profit!
  5. Go through some Angular tutorials and see what all the fuss is about.
  6. Write some code.
  7. Become the Sun so I can travel around the world every day, and then, upon my death, burn out and take everyone with me.

I encourage you to harass and berate me about my goals. It will hold me accountable.

Why are all your showers so sad?

Back when I was a teenager and becoming aware of my own existence, I remember a moment where I came to a stunning epiphany about how incredibly unfair life was.  It was appalling. No one ever asked my opinion about whether I wanted to be born or not. Biology just decided randomly, here are your new surroundings for this life, good luck with all that and trying to figure it out.  If they had taken the time to ask, they would have received a hard pass.

This past year was a hard pass for me too, and had me re-thinking the same stupid teenage thoughts. I had a conversation with someone about how she knew that she had to keep on living and was grateful for every day. She saw her children sleeping at night, and she was terrified of something happening to her because she needed to be around for them.  As she was telling me this, I nodded in agreement but I thought to myself, we have completely different outlooks on life.  Here she was, hoping for just one more day, while I was hoping it would be my last day.  It’s not that I wanted to kill myself, I just didn’t want to be here anymore. It was a year where I felt like everyone was moving forward and onward to better things, while I was staying completely still.  And the worst part was, I couldn’t will myself to do anything about it to change my situation.

I only had one goal this past year and that was making it to the end of the day so I could just go to sleep. I have been so grateful for Melatonin because it has successfully helped me reach this daily goal. Waking up was such a nuisance, because that meant another day of feeling like shit.  If I wasn’t sleeping, I’d be crying. At this point, I didn’t really have much energy to feel my anger or sadness, and it would lead to me being a hot mess of tears.  It was okay at work, I’d get distracted without a problem. But at home, when I could just be myself, the tears would come. Most of the time I couldn’t even explain them.  It was worse in the shower.  I would take a shower, get lost in the hot water and my thoughts, and cry for a good while. It would get so bad that Brian didn’t like to leave me alone in the shower, and would come knocking at the door to check up on me in my sad state.

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when I stopped being the incredible sulk, but the more I thought about working for myself, I slowly felt the dread of each day subsiding. I even started to joke with Brian and threaten him with going to cry in the shower when he wouldn’t let me have my way about something.  One day, I was doing yoga and pulled my right thigh muscle and was in agony for a good five minutes.  Once it subsided, I re-started the yoga video and ended up charlie horsing my left side.  There I was, in intense pain and holding onto my thigh while trying to call out to Brian, but being stifled by a huge fit of laughter from myself at my own stupidity. Tears were coming, but they were definitely not the same ones as before.  A lot of snorting was involved.  It was the best laugh I had all year, and when Brian finally came towering over me in what must have looked like a whole lot of crazy lady, that’s when I realized, okay, that’s enough, it’s time to keep going.  That’s why this blog is called Sad Shower. A bit because of my morbid sense of humour, but also as a reminder to the past year, one that I really never want to re-live again.

Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t object if tomorrow I was no longer around, I just don’t have that same level of lethargy anymore. I did everything expected of me, and life still said ‘fuck you’. So I did what any sane person would do. I wallowed in self-pity for a good year, and then finally ended up saying fine, fuck you too. I’ll do it my way.

Things go in cycles

Two weeks ago we were eating dinner at Lil’ Baci and they played “The Low End Theory” album by A Tribe Called Quest from start to end. Delicious Italian food and awesome throwback jams = a great night for me. Plus, Brian got to see me rap, so I’m sure he had a fantastic time as well.

The number one thing I tried to be as a kid was anything but my mom.  I love my mom, and I am grateful that she is in my life, but we are very different people. I forget where I got the epiphany that thinking in another language completely changes your mindset, but for me, thinking in English did not translate well to understanding my mother’s Chinese thinking, and it really set up a barrier between the two of us while I grew up. There was also that pesky puberty thing for me (According to my dad I was an incredibly sullen teen), but let’s just say for the sake of expediency that the language thing was the root cause of our disagreements. She also had an incredibly shitty childhood, while I was fortunate enough to enjoy the spoils of a first world life, so you would have thought our paths would be vastly different. Nonetheless, Tribe was right: things go in cycles, and I’m embarking on the same excursion my mother also took in her mid-life.

My mother started her own business when she was in her forties. She worked hard every day of her life, and still managed to come home and take care of her ungrateful family. My dad, my brother, and myself are very sarcastic people, and it did not bode well for my mother to have three people constantly gang up on her. But she persevered and now, retired, is a whole other thorn in my side (thanks for all the soup).

Now, here I am, still unbearably sarcastic, and trying to prove myself the same way my mother did.  I can’t say I know exactly what she was thinking, or that we even have the same intentions, but looking back at what she did, I am humbled by the amount of courage she possessed to take the leap, and I hope that I can be just as brave.

Luckily, my parents gave me a fighting chance. Instead of having a father that put their kid to work because he kept gambling away all of their money, my parents made damned sure I had a wealth of opportunities to experience different things and broaden my horizons. Most importantly, they provided me with an excellent education which, in turn, led me to a career path where I accomplished a lot of things that I am proud of.

So now that I am throwing it all away, I just want to tell my parents:

Thanks, and don’t worry, I got this.

Also, I’m probably going to need to borrow some money in the next few months. Who are we kidding? GIVE. I’m going to need you to GIVE me some money.

Hello world!

I had a bunch of crap that I was going to say for my first blog post. I thought it out every day for the past few weeks, and came up with some incredible witticisms. I said to myself: “That’s gold Nadia! You’re a literal genius!” And instead of taking the time to write it down, I put complete faith in myself to remember the words.

My brain constantly pulls a lot of bullshit moves on me, and this was one of them.

I quit my job yesterday.  I quit my job so I could become a full time blogger.  Or, to take a leap and try to do something that has meaning to me. Giving up the comfort of a stable paycheque is incredibly terrifying, and when I truly get nervous, I have to poop. It is the worst thing in the world, because you are completely trying to get up the courage to get through a moment, and you also have to focus on clenching up that anal sphincter while butterflies threaten the upper part of your body.  Nevertheless, I managed to power through, smiling like an idiot throughout the whole somber  process of tendering your resignation (because I happen to do that too when I’m nervous), and in a couple short months I will be officially unemployed for the first time in 12 years.

Probably the most thankful part about this whole situation is the ample amount of support that I am receiving from everyone. They all think I can accomplish something great, and that I have the skill set to do so. Clearly, I cannot fail. So what better way to motivate myself than with a blog where I can be publicly shamed for my lack of action?

I have two and a half months before I lose all my benefits and monies.

Let’s try to keep it real.

Brain: 1, Body: 1, Me: 0.